Practically There

Wine 101-03:Vinous Vernacular

Alright group, it seems to me that if we combine what we have learned thus far in our introduction to wine (Refer to Wine 101-02: The Nose Knows) with the bits and pieces of information that we have individually acquired over the years and multiply the sum by that which we have assumed or simply made up, the product would be just enough knowledge to get ourselves into trouble. That being said, I am going to further compound the matter by imparting to you a few terms and expressions, aficionado slang as it were, to be, when necessary, asserted with great thought and authority so that you too can appear scholarly and sophisticated (shorthand for pretentious) at any cocktail party or wine-tasting.

All right - well balanced is easier and more pleasurable to drink.

BOUQUET - snooty surrogate for "smell"

COMPLEX - a wine that has a number of different flavors that sort of interact with each other is considered complex instead of merely fruity. In contrast, the neighbor who mows his lawn in a housecoat, shower cap and snowmobile boots is fruity. Just plain fruity.

EARTHY - exactly what it sounds like - the flavor that a wine picks up from the soil that the grapes are grown in. It doesn't sound good BUT its far more desirable then pulling fuzzy things off of an Oreo when you have exceeded the 5-second rule.

FAT - full-bodied; a compliment in wine terms. Not so much in real life.

FIRM - usually used to describe a red wine's fitness to age. (*Firm and fitness are not two words that are organically in my vocabulary - fleshy, now that one I know.)

FLESHY - used to describe lush and fruity wines. Also used to describe other things in the general vicinity of my midriff.

LEGS - the streaks that run down the sides of a glass after the wine has been swirled. A wine with more alcohol or are very sweet tend to have "legs". Also, used to describe a couple of somethings Mel Gibson has that look very nice under a kilt…did that sound, well, just wrong?

LENGTH - the endurance of a wines taste. If the flavor lingers in the mouth it is considered "long in the mouth"; one that fades quickly is considered "short". And I am just going to let you make up your own jokes for this one.

ROUNDED - Smooth, pleasant and easy to drink. No joke. Really.

TANNIC - used for red wines, denoting a certain harsh quality - ALTHOUGH you will be glad to know that youthful wines that are tannic often mature very well. So, there is still hope for your teenager, too - he or she is not rotten and ungrateful - just tannic.

Hey, now that's just me talking.

"Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information upon it."
- Samuel Johnson

Wine 101-01

All right everyone, today we will begin something together that I have always wanted to do, and yes, you may remain in an upright position and fully-clothed in the process. I have, for as long as I can remember, fancied the idea of becoming more knowledgeable of, if not proficient in, the area of wine. As it stands I have little more than a cursory acquaintance with the spirit. In a nutshell, I understand that it is generally made from grapes (but it can be made from other fruits, berries, flowers, bits of string, and, in one case, a long, long time ago, just plain old water{but that was a one time thing, you understand}); that it can be a lot like the people in your life as some are sharp, some are smooth, sweet or spicy, others are mature and some are just fruity and I know that if you drink a considerable amount of a particular variety called Port and you are 17 years of age, that you will subsequently vomit continuously for hours on end until the mere mention of the word "Port" whether it be an interface on a computer, the left side of a ship or simply the root of another word (i.e. portend or porter-house) will cause a pestilence upon your psyche of such proportion that you will rue the day that you ever set foot in that Dodge and…well, that is what I know about wine.

So, as the subject of vinous libation is as broad as, um, something really broad (which reminds me of a story - in eighth grade we watched a filmstrip in which the narrator stated that "America gets most of it oil from abroad." I said, "I wonder what her name is?!?" - The class thought it was hilarious. Teacher didn't. Anyway…), we will take this journey en masse AND we shall utilize baby steps the whole way so that no one tires, loiters, or gets left behind completely! Intermittently throughout the coming weeks we will amass a sort of "Wine Survival Guide". Together we will ascertain the differences between things like taste, terrior and a Tokay Pinot Gris. We'll learn, collectively, as much as we can about everything from regions to tasting wheels, from temperature to tannins, storing to serving and from grapes to glasses. I am so excited - we will all know JUST ENOUGH peripheral information to get ourselves into trouble!

Now, before we begin, there will of course be a few ground rules. OK, really just one ground rule and that rule is that this is a snob-free zone!!! There will be NO sneering, NO derogatory annotations and NO "PFFFFRRRTTT" mouth noises if we say, oh, I don't know something like "By all means serve a full bodied Barolo with a peach tart" and you know full well that that is wrong. If you have some knowledge in this field then PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE share with us. Impart your wisdom and experience. Create an exchange. My goal is to have an entire faction of readers who may have, in the past, been at a gathering and became panic-stricken at the idea of chitchatting with an alleged connoisseur, but who will now (meaning sometime soon) have the self-assurance and aplomb when posed with 'Isn't this Northern Rhone wine supple and well structured? We paid an arm and a leg for it but this is a special occasion,' to respond, 'Jeesh, I have not a clue as to what you are talking about! Personally, I prefer the wine with the goat on the label. Pretzel?'

(Oh, and by the way, apparently that is wrong - I just read that you should serve a simple sweet wine with a peach tart - this is great! We are learning already!) Ohhh, but, maybe you serve Archway Oatmeal Cookies at the end of a dinner, or Twizzlers OR maybe at the end of supper you just clean off the kid's plates and eat THAT for dessert, like me! What about those items? What kind of wine do you serve with Oatmeal cookies or Twizzlers or three extra helpings of Tuna Surprise and some crunkled-up bread crusts? And how does one pronounce Gewurztraminer? I don't know, but we will find out - together.

I hope that's not just me talking.

"Wine can of their wits the wise beguile, make the sage frolic, and the serious smile."
- Homer, "Odyssey (9th c. B.C.)